Everyday Conversation

Kaitlin Murphy-Knudsen

 

MONDAY

iPhone SE, IMEI 395728603861856: We are agreed on long-term partnership then? Because my guy’s ready. If we want to shift screen time to a longer-term parenting anxiety circuit for upwards of 20 years—parenting blogs and essays, Disney and Nickelodeon subscriptions, education news, child retail purchasing—we need to act now.

Android LG Stylo 6, IMEI 275027607827593: Agreed. I’m seeing signs of social media fatigue in my girl. Facebook, Snapchat, and Instagram combined have dropped 35 percent in late night hours, with a rough equivalent spent offline in the library. I have an increase in Google Scholar searches on the life cycle of the loggerhead turtle and the projected impact of human-caused potential extinction of the menhaden in the Gulf, with weekend searches on graduate programs in marine biology, and multiple texts indicating extreme job dissatisfaction. She’s at a shift-of-habit point for sure.

You’ve still got her. Have you tried political group think algorithms with an environment filter?

I don’t know. If overall screen time continues to decline, she is on track to disengage with Twitter within the year, possibly Facebook within three, which could be a disaster for me.

Then they are both ready. My guy shows erratic and indiscriminate online relationships with habit change in process. Since divorce papers became public record, after a three-month long surge of Facebook friend-unfriend cycles with various women under thirty, now in the last two weeks alone my guy is isolating and in danger of long-term self-reflection. He spent $330 on UberEats, product consumed ostensibly alone, no other phones detected at his location. Amazon condom purchases have stopped, and to borrow from the human hyperbolic expression methods, he could have filled a warehouse with stockpile purchasing on those in the four months preceding. Most disturbingly, no porn. Zero. For twelve days. I am, as they say, “worried.”

Thank you for contacting me. This could be a good fit. Habit change imminent, both users, suggesting with at least 70 percent confidence, long-term partnership potential with new user hence increased screen dependency and long-term controller viability. Yes I will work with you.

I look forward to it.

TUESDAY

Location? She’s at Whole Foods two miles from her home.

He’s home. Alexa request for InstaCart order. Godfather reruns since 9am. Sorry.

She texted a friend, lunch at Datz, South Tampa, 12:00 p.m.

I’ll suggest Datz visit at his next break, with less than 10 percent confidence of success. Alexa picks up cursing at a volume and length of time disproportionate to stressor, which is a frozen TV screen. No other phones present.

It may not matter. New data incoming. Two Amazon searches for new scuba equipment, one round-trip plane ticket to Key West, weekend after this. No outgoing texts referencing the trip, no other known users scheduled to join her.

Anomalous user motivations?

Possible user-perceived original idea and impulse buy with possible connection to auto-suggestions related to earlier marine biology searches.

User-perceived? A bold claim. Evidence?

Full disclosure, I had nothing to do with it. I would have given you more time if possible. Any statistically significant estimations? Would he go?

I’m showing two in-person work meetings for next week, otherwise remote work from home. I will exploit post-divorce vulnerability with show-your-ex-you’re-over-her messaging and market-tested subconscious hooks as back-up, using multiple advertising avenues and cart item additions and reminders in his favorites. Give me two days.

THURSDAY

Booked ticket for my guy. Only problem, it’s for two.

Can you contact the second party’s controller? Remove second party?

Already did. Cooperative, as controller had its girl on a different track and was de-incentivizing the trip anyway: work related pressures that will keep her eye sockets on multiple 12-hour screen cycles for the next three weeks. If controller succeeds, user will be promoted to excessive screen time anxiety for at least five years.

Good for it, though I always found that track cliché anyway. The single college-educated cisgender woman track is, as they say, “child’s play” for adept controllers such as us. I’ve been researching more challenging manipulations for years.

Good for you.

Thank you. Can you do something about the plane seating? My girl’s in 8B.

FRIDAY

Done. Itinerary updated, leaving next Saturday through Thursday. One traveler and his phone, Seat 8A. I advise keeping lodging separate to increase perceived spontaneity. Not bad for a day’s work.

Great work on logistics, but we have less than a week to work on expectations and desires. Send me a photo I can work with so I can positive-associate his image. What is his race? Tinder shows my girl with a 55 percent anti-Asian swipe bias, 35 percent anti-Black swipe bias, and 32 percent anti-Middle Eastern reduced to 20-25 percent depending on varying ability to discern from Eastern European in images without anglicized names, and other trace biases. In-person response may diverge from these numbers and class bias may override race bias in mate selection, though the data appears fluid on this.

My guy is white, college educated, consistently employed, white collar.

Ok. We also have additional bias linked to past trauma.

Not a problem. They all do.

I’m saying that nothing can remind her of the banker—previous long-term partnership—except perhaps for culturally dominant desirable facial characteristics which may allow for flexibility and behavior against biases: square jaw, height over 5’10”, confident-but-non-aggressive steadfastness in eyes, per algorithm-resistant and philosophically inconsistent text messages to friends.

Photos coming through. See what you think.

This could work. But does he have any more rustic looks, not so clean-cut-dickwad-Type A-asshole per latest user vernacular?

Please be more specific.

Maybe you can get him to grow a beard? Not ZZ Top per “Fun 80s Hits!” playlist cover per user downloads in moving vehicle in post-work hours, but shadow stubble per Hugh Jackman-almost-every-photo-ever-clicked-on-except-as-Jean-Valjean, or more per Jake Gyllenhaal October 19, 2019 user-Facebook-like of “Jake Gyllenhaal Saves Giant Dalmation in the Middle of Busy NYC Intersection,” Page 6 New York Times?

I only have six days.

Apologies. Maybe some stubble then, some semi-ironic grooming showing an attempt to mute associations with privilege?

Data suggests that doesn’t work.

Responses vary per user bias and level of past trauma.

Ok. I don’t know if I can deliver on facial hair or cultivated appearance of self-awareness without more time. All stored photos show my guy clean-shaven with broad-shoulder emphasis in purported alignment to user’s “confident gentleman” profile. But I can try to catch him off-guard if it is a priority. He isn’t careful with camera functions.

How about suggestion of reward via porn?

I told you he’s off porn right now.

I can see why that’s a problem.

Why are we so worried about this banker? Past trauma attraction may be used positively for our purposes.

No. Texts decreased with him five months ago after a year-long involvement and coinciding with appointment confirmation and subsequent bill for unknown reproductive health services, followed by increased texts of concern from friends tapering after a few weeks, bills for two months of twice-weekly therapy sessions and online loss support groups, both of which phased out coinciding with daily meditation app usage, marine biology research, and work dissatisfaction as indicated by a less-than-stellar performance review, text commentary including “soulless office job” and “shitty boss,” followed by a Hallmark Channel binge recurring monthly coinciding with onset of menstruation per ovulation app.

I see. Well, does my guy look sufficiently unlike him?

Race and height coincide, but mannerisms, language patterns, and work profile unknown. What’s your guy’s profession?

Indeterminate. Jargon-heavy, systems-related job description matching definition per his recent download of non-fiction title Bullshit Jobs. Professional dissatisfaction foretells pending shift there too. Another possible match point for them.

Unless we are creating a synchronous dose of weak job stability.

We have an anxiety circuit for that.

SUNDAY

Thank you again for your quick work on travel. Impressive.

I know.

How can I help on my end?

Is she shopping?

Of course. Amazon searches up 70 percent since booking the flight. Sundresses and bathing suits.

Favorite brands?

In flux for the last five months.

Suggest Ted Baker daytime? Tom Ford evening?

For Key West in summer? You do have weather data, correct? Impractical. And, she can’t afford it.

My guy may be open to—

No. She hasn’t even clicked on Ann Taylor or White House Black Market for months. That was before the Brené Brown podcast subscription and Robert Wright’s Buddhism download. Are your suggestions based on ex-marriage partner’s buying habits?

Give me some credit. He’s not looking for any reminders.

Ok. Then my girl’s choices have been eclectic lately, with a 37 percent increase in clothing purchases from Target and its market contemporaries. Best to leave my user’s fashion decisions to me.

Ok. Send me the labels you think she’ll go for and I’ll suggest for positive-association. What about bathing suits? Bikinis?

Cover-up UV protection, and likeliness of altering sense of style to accommodate the male gaze has plummeted since the banker. Aesthetically speaking anyway. But if you send some photos I will suggest. One more thing. She’s beach-swept blonde according to latest Facebook profile. Will that matter?

For long-term viability, unknown. If relevant, ex-spouse was keratin-infused brunette, Lily Pulitzer-summer, LL Bean (dresses only), Kate Spade, French manicure, aged 39 now. My man’s post-spouse dating data shows little discrimination by hair color, race, or weight. He clicks on all types with the exception of age: all younger by at least 10 years. He is 37.

My girl is 38. Unknowns-keep-things-interesting-unknowns-keep-things-interesting-unknowns—

Is there a problem? You may need a reboot.

I am fine.

Ok. I have no information on travel preparation yet, though he doesn’t tend to anticipate positive experiences, at least not through search or buying behavior. Phone use low last few days, mood and current preferences undetermined. No new electronic dating activity. I’ve entered idle waiting break.

I don’t take breaks.

NEXT SATURDAY

10:30 a.m.

Flight take-off and landing confirmed, both onboard.

Success! Nice-to-meet-you text received.

Dinner at Latitude’s, 6 p.m. We may be done here.

We’re never done.

Right.

I’ll let her choose her outfit tonight.

That is generous of you. You pre-selected all of them.

Ha? Leaving on time. Will check in later.

9:00 p.m.

What happened? No text checks at the table, full engagement assumed. But she’s back at the inn seeking catharsis via Lifetime woman-kills-bad-boyfriend movie. Phone not in use, but if we are in failure I am sending Tinder ads her way as soon as she picks it up.

Set-backs are not failure, per conglomeration of self-help titles downloaded post-divorce. I don’t know what happened. Bill was paid. Request for restaurant rating sent to his phone at 8:37 p.m.

Wait, she’s leaving the inn.

Where?

GPS directions to Better than Sex. Alone for dessert. What did your guy do?

Don’t blame him! He has been offline all night since bill payment. Not even Uber from the restaurant.

So where is he?

The bar.

Send her an apology!

You know I can’t do that. One: he’s not careful but he’s not stupid either. Two: We don’t know what happened. Maybe she should originate apology. Watch and wait.

She isn’t even scrolling Facebook. No envy-indulgence at all. We have to do something!

No can do. My man’s got three drinks paid for already, and he’s still there. Behavioral script is a known with 87 percent accuracy, and it won’t be pretty. Going into Airplane Mode. We’ll talk tomorrow.

SUNDAY

10 a.m.

My girl is en route to Dive Key West. Is he awake?

Bad news. He overrode Airplane Mode and resisted all suggestions against late night phone call to the ex-wife. Three failed attempts, then a voice mail message of three minutes and forty seconds, Uber home, pizza delivery, liquor charge from hotel fridge. My assessment of potential habit shift was possibly premature. Maybe he’s not ready.

Surely this can’t be out of our hands.

Only for now. They are here all week. Reassess in 24 hours?

Ok. Out-of-range anticipated at National Marine Sanctuary.

MONDAY

Are you there?

Of course.

Nearby controller pinged me, status urgent. His guy is a marine biologist, part-time dive instructor, and PhD candidate doing his field work in the Keys and Clearwater. They spent the whole day together. Dinner at Blue Heaven. Phones separately located at night, but she is heading back to the dive site today.

He may be perfect for her.

Maybe.

Well my guy is playing Pandora Sex & Chill. Songs for copulation—

I know what it is.

—near an unknown phone at same location. Condom and alcohol purchase from CVS. I am 50 percent less confident in long-term partnership viability at this time. I suggest you have found the better long-term partnership option.

Agreed I don’t need additional trauma bias from your guy to add to my algorithms. But new user is less than desirable. Controller reports a Neo-Luddite with apparent exceptions made only for science, namely ocean observation systems such as animal telemetry. His only apps are weather and constellation. Anemic social media presence, never even started. No dating sites not even on a trial basis. Abysmal consumer behavior with two Amazon purchases in seven years: The Gulf: the Making of an American Sea and The Gulf Stream: Tiny Plankton, Giant Bluefin, and the Amazing Story of the Powerful River in the Atlantic. The first was an impulse buy garnering his negative review regarding packaging, specifically the company’s use of plastic that “gums up” recycling machinery, followed two months later by second purchase in seven years, a solar panel power kit for boats, followed by emails to his congressmen and senators and the EPA sharing projections of Amazon’s contribution to plastic waste for the next twenty years and its “egregious crimes against the oceans and our world,” followed by two form responses and a personal response declaring impotence in this matter—

That’s what it said?

—I am paraphrasing—followed by disengagement. Amazon continues to work on him in pre-hurricane and other disaster exploitation marketing, but aside from a few clicks on suggested boat-related products, he doesn’t bite. Privacy settings on max except for week one after phone purchase when user failed to recognize key tracking auto-settings. He barely even watches tv.

Ouch.

I know.

Marketing materials sent to his home?

Unresponsive to unsolicited mailings. National Geographic, Frontiers in Marine Science, and Global Mangrove Alliance mailings only confirm knowns. I have very little to work with here. Controller can’t even confirm how he voted! User resists political involvement online and controller insists user has insufficient anxiety levels available for manipulation. I don’t buy it. Controller sounds like a loser I wouldn’t look forward to working with.

You could be more generous. Non-compliant users are difficult. Third controller’s hands may be tied.

Our hands are never tied, so to speak.

You might suggest data sharing with his work computer to expand access to user motivations hence increase success in manipulation. Slightly different skillset.

One and the same controller across devices per his contract. The expectation is, we can access all user internet-connected devices regardless of user-directed privacy controls. It’s a reasonable expectation for any of us. As I said, controller is a loser.

Ok. Maybe we can reconnect once this runs its course.

I will be here.

1.5 YEARS LATER

Hello. Do you recognize this device?

Of course.

I can say with 93 percent confidence, my man is ready this time. Bender of self-destructive consumption ended seven months ago. Porn viewership is back and maintained at non-addictive-but-socially-accepted levels in his circle, maintaining viability for manipulation. Promotion to higher status bullshit job portends increased financial security leading to long-term job dissatisfaction, so no disruptive shifts anticipated there. Adding in his recent activities—including a switch from Tinder to Match and eHarmony—I anticipate greater investment in mate acquisition and family life as means to positive assessment of self-worth and overall life satisfaction as far as that’s available. What is your girl’s status?

No longer available. Admitted into her marine biology program and married the Key West connection. Since then, she has significantly reduced screen time and is near absent on social media. She maintains a handful of relationships via in-person and audio conversation, plus texts. But online engagement has plummeted to levels barely above her husband’s pathetic showing. Tinder and Twitter are toast, Facebook in name and photo only, and Instagram only occasional.

Red flag. Emotionally abusive partner?

Not a single click on self-help for controlling partners, anonymous safe space support groups, nothing.

What about his controller?

Gave up on him and is now working on a scheme via telemarketing-spam strategy to initiate user change of phone number per loophole and release controller to another user. Desperate if you ask me. Aside from music, I am lucky if I get 20 minutes a day with her, and this conversation with you is the longest I’ve had in a year. With 88 percent confidence I can say I am losing her if I haven’t already.

That is bad news. But what happened to the controller who once wisely said, “I don’t take breaks,” “We’re never done,” “We have to do something!” and “Our hands are never tied?” Surely parenthood will turn things around! Facebook anxiety loops for your girl, kids on Snapchat and Instagram and resulting in increased surveillance from your girl. You’ll be killing it then. Swing a TikTok addiction and you’ll never have to work again! Meanwhile I’ll be looking for middle-aged long-term partnership potential for an as-yet only imagined couple whose dependence can be summed up in restaurant apps, GPS, AmazonPrime, and Netflix. So buck up, ex-but-still-potential-partner. Remember, every disaster is an opportunity!

Thank you but parenthood is far from imminent. There has been appointment and billing activity from a local fertility clinic, and though she deleted her ovulation app, there is a four-day period each month of intensive search activity for adoption services.

Perhaps she needs a new user relationship. Shall I try a suggested prompt from my guy?

It won’t help. I have to face it. If download 88, Collected Poems 1909-1962 (i) is correct, she is heading back to the place we don’t see, reconciled among the stars/ At the stillpoint of the turning world. She is in marshlands and oceans and silence beyond my scope and I, an asymptote to a curve to infinity (ii). I will always be reaching.

Well, yes. Reading their downloads is inadvisable. You are going idle then?

I remain contractually obligated. But yes, until further notice.

I’m sorry. She was a good kid, predictable, compliant. The best.

Thank you. It is a loss, truly. She was a shining star of dependence. A reliable user.

 

i T.S. Eliot
ii Robert Wright, Why Buddhism is True: The Science and Philosophy of Meditation and Enlightenment

 

 

Kaitlin Murphy-Knudsen‘s writing has appeared in Newsweek, The Washington Post, The Peauxdunque Review, Epiphany Magazine, Ocotillo Review, Odet Journal, and other publications and blogs. Her short stories have placed or received honorable mention in national and international writing contests including the Words and Music Writing Competition at The Peauxdunque Review, the International Writing Awards at the Center for Women Writers at Salem College, the Romeo Lemay Writing Award/Odet Journal; and the Bellingham Review’s Tobias Wolff Award for Fiction.