“Alpha Bet”: An interview with Jacqueline Kirkpatrick

“Alpha Bet,” a finalist for the 2018 Newfound Prose Prize and chapbook contest, is a memoir told in vignettes and peppered with cross-references like an index of pain in the narrator’s life. It is an intimate work, offering a reader much to process as they piece together a story. 

Author Jacqueline Kirkpatrick took the time to share a bit more with us about her process in creating “Alpha Bet”.

Delaney Kochan: One thing I love about how you wrote this piece is how clearly it teaches the power of sharing emotion by showing scene. When it appears easy, you know you’re reading a talented writer who’s crafted each sentence to be unencumbered with internal narration. What was your editing process like?

Jacqueline Kirkpatrick: It’s probably a terrible thing to admit, however, the most honest response I can offer is that I don’t edit much. One of the first writers I fell for was Jack Kerouac and not long after I started reading him I found the “Essentials of Spontaneous Prose.” I’ve been writing based on that method since. Most of my work is stream of conscious. I pop on headphones, queue up the tunes that bring back certain memories and I close my eyes. I’ve been lucky that it makes sense most of the time but I run the risk that it sounds absolutely bonkers. Those pieces stay safe and in the dark in the filing cabinet.

I almost never edit content. How I write something the first, for me, is the purest form of self-exploration. I usually don’t change it. There were entries I wrote that didn’t make it into the full piece but that I had to get out out of the way to keep going. Those are the 2 a.m. pieces. The ones we have to write in fury, collapse with a breath that we didn’t realize we were holding, have a drink to it and then save it in a file named, “Not Yet”. The One Day work. Ha!

Having said all that, my kryptonite is the comma. Knowing that commas kill me so quickly I started the habit in middle school of writing short, concise sentences that don’t allow me the opportunity to mess up. I’ll do a lot of things in life to avoid red pen marks on my pages.

Kochan: You chose a very interesting structure for this piece. How has this specific organization helped order the chaos in your life as you look at it?

Kirkpatrick: I started a piece in my late 20s before “Alpha Bet” that listed, alphabetically, the lovers I’ve had. At the time, I thought it was interesting and a bit bold to just put it all out there. Here’s their name, here’s what they did, here’s what I did, and here’s why I’m heartbroken, but I realized after the second entry that I was just writing it so that I could complain about a recent ex. So, I scrapped it.

But the idea never left. Having a piece that was an encyclopedia of who I was that someone could cross reference or understand the whole picture without a boring chronological telling was important to me. It also really helped me in coping while I was writing it. If I felt anxiety or pain in one section I could change my tone the memory in the next.  I like this set up not just so I didn’t get bogged down in pain while writing it but that the reader wouldn’t have to be either.

Kochan: How difficult is it to tell the past truthfully and compassionately? How did you train yourself to do it?

Kirkpatrick: Good question. I think it’s so difficult it’s impossible. I know I’ve hurt others in how honest I’ve been in my work and while I want to apologize, I’m at the point in my own unraveling process where I’m trying desperately to say fuck it. I can’t water down or negate suicide or rape or struggling with my place as a woman or a mother. Basically, now I’m at this point where I’m saying, “Here’s the plate, eat what’s on it. If you don’t like it, starve.”

I’m not saying it to be a jerk to my parents, or my lovers, or even my own daughter, I’m saying it because I’ve felt it. A writer always hurts themselves first. That’s the best training guide I have as a reference in any attempt I make to be more compassionate when writing about things that could potentially hurt others. I know how much I hurt myself by the things I write so I know how much I’ll hurt you. It may not seem it, but I’ll try to do my best.

Kochan: As someone who tends to write prose in a non-narrative form, I’ve recently realized that my tendency is rooted in an educational emphasis in poetry in addition to the natural inclinations of my thought-patterns. Where does your writing history originate? How did it help produce this piece?

Kirkpatrick: Poetry was my first love. Before Kerouac, I read Sexton, Dickinson,  Parker and Plath. Plath was (and still is) my number one. She had this ability to reveal her emotions in such a raw way but also maintain grace turned me on as a writer in my teens. I imitated her work for a long time before found my own voice. Then once I read Allison, and Oates, and Kerouac, and created a library I could depend on, I felt more secure in letting myself feel free to get down to the nitty-gritty of what I was feeling, or more importantly, what I wanted to feel.

“Alpha Bet” is a combination of a lot of memories and writing forms and styles, synthesizing. It was fun for me to create this piece because it’s so many things: an ode, a prose poem, a memoir, a eulogy, a confession, an apology and a choose-your-own-adventure all in one. 

Kochan: Tell me about your desires for this piece and its existence in the world? What do you hope the reader receives? 

Kirkpatrick: The original piece is over 110 pages. It’s a complete encyclopedia.

For this contest, the complete manuscript didn’t fit the requirements, but I still felt I couldn’t sit on it another second. I went through it and trimmed it down to the most important bones. The interesting part for me long after the contest submission was that I went back through it and realized if I had to submit it again, that day, I would have picked different entries. And today, I’d probably do the same.

Every day we wake up just a little different and who I loved the most yesterday might be different today or what I thought made me who I am Tuesday might not be it on Thursday and I love that. It’s the most organic thing I’ve ever written because it’s these quick snapshots of very pure memories for me. I want the piece to be out in the world not just because it’s this mosaic of people and places and experiences, but because I think so much of what I went through, and still go through, speaks a language universal. I would love a reader to pick up the piece, read it and feel like even though they just read MY history, and MY outlook on things, they know themselves a little more, or better yet, want to create their own encyclopedia feeling a newfound sense of bravery or that they could be loved and accepted on what admissions they have to reveal.

Kochan: What was the most difficult part about writing this piece?

Kirkpatrick: I think the hardest thing, while it may not seem it on the surface, was the title. Of course, the basic first reaction would be that the piece is in alphabetical order, so it makes the most sense but it worked out that way as a third or fourth reason to keep it.

Kochan: What makes this “Alpha Bet” special to you?

Kirkpatrick: The piece covers my first half of life. The beginning. The choices I made or wagered on to get me here. It’s also the strongest attempt I’ve made at covering so much in one piece. It’s the most risk I’ve taken at revealing so much, so quickly and honestly.

Delaney Kochan is a poet and essayist published in Under the Gum Tree, Ruminate, Red Clay, and other literary magazines. She served as Managing Editor of The Forager, a lifestyle magazine, and now writes for the online city guide, My Colorado Springs and various online publications in addition to Newfound. Find her work at www.delaneykochan.com